Reflections Newsletter
Anne Diedrich, MFT, 415-673-7597
Volume 2, Issue 4
October 6, 2006
Special points of interest in this edition:
Motivation
Parent Guidelines
Parent workshop schedule
Dealing with the angry child
The topic of this newsletter is motivation. As you can see I am interested
in this topic and will be presenting this topic in upcoming parenting workshop
on Saturday Oct 14th (see below for more info on parent workshops). Some
of the bad habits we have as adults may have been formed in childhood or
as the result of adopting a negative view of ourselves because of failures
to motivate ourselves. Motivation is a dynamic process, that one can understand
and manipulate using a variety of techniques. Often, we confuse failure
to motivate ourselves with personality traits. Adopting a harsh approach
to force a change may work, but often when a person feels safe to move forward,
they will positively change. Seeking therapy is evidence of a positive force
to change ideas of ourselves, explore past relationships and establish a
new perspective on the problem that may free up more energy to make change
in one’s life. Please visit my website, www.childandadulttherapy.com
to read more on the topic of motivation and explore past newsletters. You
can find links to other sites of interest and learn more about my psychotherapy
practice.
When a problem arises what is it that makes you want to take action? A significant
number of people might say that they want end the pain of the problem. Some
would say they want to learn to identify the problem so they can avoid it
in the future. Often, because of conditions in life, work and relationships
problems become stuck and one’s life takes on a constricted and hopeless
feeling. Some of the most inspiring stories of change reveal that when a
person has literally hit their lowest point in their emotional, physical,
or financial pain they connect with someone or find some energy to try an
approach to get back on their feet that they might not have considered.
Motivation comes in all forms and whether the energy comes from wanting
to achieve personal goals or to avoid past mistakes, personal problems when
faced directly can change and transform.
Motivation has become a popular topic in the public speaking arena. The
best motivational speakers are able to inspire people to focus their energy
in positive ways, but sustaining one’s motivation in the midst of
uncertainty is difficult and takes an understanding of complex factors that
influence our behavior. In psychology, motivation has been defined in terms
of the intensity and direction of behavior. A motivated person can fulfill
professional goals of becoming a professor or creating strong relationships
that sustain emotional needs. Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs
is perhaps the most familiar theory of motivation. According to this theory,
as a person satisfies more basic needs such as hunger and safety, they will
direct attention and behavior toward higher- level concerns such as self
actualization. While Maslow’s theory remains the most identified and
cited motivational theory, it has entered the public consciousness in some
simplistic and controversial ways. Maslows’ theory that self-actualized
individuals have neutralized their basic needs and can integrate peak experiences
to become self actualized can be helpful for some, but may move one further
away from the skill of self-acceptance. Striving for internal perfection
and personal gain, people can become neurotically obsessed with the next
peak experience, thinking that is the way to feel better. In some ways,
as people push themselves for peak experiences as the road to transcendence
we see motivation mingling with Madison Avenue and the ideas of just “being”
evaporating.
Motivation is a state that is always changing and sometimes waxes and wanes.
Often people confuse personality traits with motivational states. No where
is this more evident than in the description of children’s behavioral
problems. Parents will often describe misbehavior using terms that actually
describe personality. Jake won’t complete his homework because he
is lazy or stubborn. It may be true that Jake doesn’t want to do his
homework, but there may be many explanations for his refusal. When examined
more closely, the explanations may be more linked to not knowing how to
set goals, or not looking at the consequences of avoidance, or distractions
that have higher value to him. Jake’s personality has characteristics
that are stable and not linked to behavior, but if Jake hears that he is
lazy he may actually believe that the problem can’t change because
that’s “just who he is” and his motivation to ask for
help or find solutions will drop. Everyone can help themselves apply the
right effort to change problems if they become more aware of how they might
be focusing in the wrong direction or using a stick rather than a carrot
to move through a problem.
Parenting Matters
Parents of school-age children have the double concern of helping their
child gain self control and self discipline while accomplishing their own
goals. There is a lot of competing information available of how to improve
your child’s school performance and emotional adjustment that can
be confusing, resulting in parents pushing their children in the wrong ways
or not taking time to get to know what really interests their children.
How important are outside activities for a child and how much is too much
activity? A recent study published by the Society for Research in Child
Development reports that overscheduled children do not suffer adverse effects
of multiple activities. The study found that children with multiple extracurricular
activities fared better on measures of educational achievement and psychological
adjustment. This study may point to the notion that the benefits of after-school
activities helps children learn to manage emotions and explain their success
and failures to themselves which ultimately will help them navigate complex
tasks of adjusting to college, careers and relationships later in life.
Team sports and other outdoor activities build confidence and create support
networks for children but can place many scheduling demands on the family.
Unfortunately, this study does not address the concerns of parents struggling
with competing demands. As with all things, taking the results of this scientific
study and turning it into the only way of promoting your child’s success
should be cautioned against. What parents can do to help their children
is devote time and interest in understanding your child’s goals and
ways of adapting to problems. If your child’s behavior is misdirected
and negative, take time to gain a perspective on the problem. When children
feel understood and a parent makes sense of their behavior, a child may
begin to accept some of your positive influence in helping resolve the problem.
The following is a list of recommendations for parents struggling to help
a child set and meet goals.
Help with frustrating tasks (all ages). When your child becomes frustrated
to the point of losing control, help her just enough to solve the problem.
Give some encouragement along with the help.
- Contract (all ages). Let your child do what he wants to do only after finishing what he has to do. The fun activity is the motivator for doing something more difficult.
- Use “do” instead of “don’t” (all ages). Children learn more effectively if parents emphasize the positive. When children hear many negative words, the meaning of those words is weakened.
- Emphasize positive thinking When your child feels discouraged, help her to look for positives in what may seem a negative situation.
- Have the child repeat the action (4-18 years). If your child is careless or not concerned about how he performs your responsible request, have him repeat the action correctly.
Ignore irrelevant behavior (all ages). Irrelevant behaviors are things your
child does to keep you from enforcing a rule.The behavior is often irritating,
but doesn’t actually break the rule. Ignore this behavior (unless
it bothers or is harmful to others) while enforcing the rule. Paying attention
to irrelevant behavior increases the chance of that behavior happening again.
Seek professional help. When you can’t solve a serious problem on
your own, ask for professional assistance. A pediatrician, school counselor,
teacher, member of the clergy, or therapist may provide the insight and
support you need to deal with a problem. Seeking professional help shows
hope, not helplessness.
:
Anne Diedrich 415-673-7597 or
email:anne@childandadulttherapy.com
Location: 2772 Bush St.
San Francisco
Anne Diedrich, MFT, has developed a private practice specializing in child
and family therapy as well as helping couples and individuals in transition.
She has 13 years clinical experience and 7 years experience supervising
and educating interns, trainees and licensed therapists.
Anne can be reached by phone for answers to questions and free 10 minute
consultation every Tues and Thursday morning 8:30-11 AM
415-673-7597